Dancing with wisdom
Sunil K. Raheja
- 17 minutes read - 3617 wordsIntroduction: why discover wisdom?
Will [this book] bring the lasting happiness, fulfillment and contentment which we all long for?
A good question; I hope so says Raheja.
Develop wisdom:
What kind of person can I live with being?
how do I relate, appropriately and balancing seriousness with fun
doing what will give meaning to life?
what legacy do I want to leave
Simple questions requiring wisdom to answer. Security in your answers reflects wisdom in your life.
how I came to write this book
A maths and science student who wanted to help people, hence medicine. Frustrated that medicine simply seemed to treat people as, machines, hence psychiatry. Psychiatry since 1999 focused on learning disabilities. The worst outcomes of any group. Desire to go beyond 'a disease model'. What makes people different from each other?
Why do some people grow and develop in incredible ways? Some deliver a harvest 10, 20 even 100 times what was sown.
How are some not just productive but at peace with themselves and others? Growing sweeter with age is not universal. The reverse is frequently true.
How do the exceptions think feel and behave to flourish so?
Lead to private practice combining mental health with coaching. Podcast.
Much of life focuses on the externals: the bright and shiny. In many ways we live in the best of times, yet unhappiness is greater than ever. Many people derail themselves by getting stuck in negative thoughts.
A 7 part framework to identify what you really want then tools and skills to get there. Regain a zest for life unknown since childhood. Requires deliberate focus.
who is this book for
Whatever the externals you made the decisions that got you here. Regret for the past or worry about the future goes wrong with you. If like GK Chesterton you answer "What is wrong with the world?" with "I am", this book is for you. [!!]
What qualifies me to write this book
Psychiatry experience that different people respond to similar circumstances very differently. Personal experience of burnout from a decade running a non profit.
Why you need to read this book
School is a lesson then a test. Life is often reversed: only by passing a test can you access the next opportunity. Some people get stuck repeating the same cycle.
Old testament expression: The skills that got you out of Egypt won’t get you into the promised land. The long quest to get Egypt out of the Israelites. But hopefully results in being clearer about weaknesses and flaws, more compassionate to self and others. More at ease with yourself.
every person we met is on an infinite trajectory to either dazzling beauty or terrifying horror. p18 This quest for wisdom shifts focus from the present moment [and ourselves] to an immortal fire of human beings.
Why the best
Our world is obsessed with the fastest, richest of most beautiful. What if being the best is refocused on being the best version of myself?
Observes it is apparently widely held view that character (often seen only in private) and behaviour can be separated. Contrasts with seeking to become what God calls us to and that to drive a coherent unconflicted behaviour.
Why wisdom
No shortage of information on an internet world, more about filtering what is important. Also the knowledge-doing gap: set alarm for 6am then snooze it. Or breaking a diet. And so on.
Contrast questions that only require knowledge, what medicine to take for a given illness, with the ones we wrestle with in life, example who to marry, where to live, what job to take. Western secular thinking does not help with the latter. Morality matters but it’s not enough when options are ambiguous.
If science is organised knowledge, wisdom is an organised life p23
Why is walking in wisdom a quest for the best possible investment
Choose my instruction instead of silver, knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her. Proverbs 8:10-11 NIVUK
Grasping this wisdom, means re-evaluating priorities.
An awe in the penetrating analysis of the Bible of inner motives of self and others. No necessity to share this Christian faith but an invitation to explore.
Warning
This book is not specific medical advice.
The author has found these helpful:
The reason for god, Tim Keller
making sense of God, Tim Keller
Mere Christianity, CS Lewis
confronting Christianity, Rebecca McLaughlin
The Pew Research Centre predicts a growth in religion and decline of atheism. Neither for explained by the religious having more children nor that increasing wealth leads to increasing secularism.
Two guiding principles
All people are valuable, no intent to offend.
Not all ideas are with of equal respect: contrast all humans are intrinsically valuable with the earth is flat.
Tendancy for us to make decisions emotionally and then justify.
what the heart loves, the will chooses and the mind justifies
Suggests rather than choosing to 'shoot the messenger' , especially with emotionally charged challenges, examine your heart motivations. That is how we grow, by leaving comfort zones and facing uncomfortable truths.
Fight, flight or freeze can cause is to refuse to engage challenging issues or people, or to attack and demean them.
One way to avoid mature engagement is 'chronological snobbery' : what is old is necessarily obsolete. One sees this in many changes on social issues over the last 50 years. Growing in wisdom is to value lasting fulfillment over the latest fads.
Work should fulfill 4 criteria:
gives meaning
allows us to be our best self and benefit others
unparalleled pleasure when it goes well, worth fighting for when it goes badly
with organising our lives around
Review questions
part 1: desiring wisdom
1. Wisdom for the heart
A defining moment in the life of the author was the death of a good friend he had just travelled around the world to see at just 32. He reflects that such crises give an urgency to life that leaks away in the face of normal life. Two convictions the author holds on to to mitigate this drift.
1. Our life really matters
No day is ordinary, every moment matters, to be lived to the fullest extent possible. p40
2. We have to learn to live by wisdom
The Bible metaphor of a path for life demonstrates the repeated mundanity. We don’t know what any given step will bring and wisdom is necessary to deal with each event appropriately.
the implications of this quest
Who will we become—​the destination of our journey—​depends on the path taken, the little but everyday choices. Author contrasts our habit to focus on significant events with the Bible focus on daily practices.
Quotes CS Lewis contrasting the slow effort of conforming soul to reality with both magic and science’s desire to conform reality to our desires instantly.
The power of little accumulations (good or bad) with culture of instant gratification.
Goes on to cite a depressed patient who did not respond to medication because an affair was placing her in an untenable situation daily: the daily pressure was more powerful than the drugs.
Citing Proverbs 4:7-8 ("…​Get wisdom…​) the author says wisdom comes to those hungriest for it. How hungry are you?
There are two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
The unfulfillment of the things we unwisely pursue.
Review questions
Has the reality of death challenge the foundations of my life?
Do I see live as a directed quest or an I discouraged by a lack of meaning?
What do I look to for ultimate joy?
What pain do I hide that prevents me enjoying joy?
2. Wisdom for the mind
As in chapter 1, the author references events that cause is to re-evaluate. What are our priorities? Are they the right ones? Yet much distracts us from satisfying them.
In 1000AD a new technology took 100 years to be sufficiently widely distributed to have an impact. In 1900, 20-30 years. In 2020 perhaps 5-7. Examples from Google, Airbnb, Uber to reinforce.
This level of change leads to growing dissatisfaction. Yet, as humans, we continue to make crazy choices: spending more on ice cream than on basic education, healthcare and sanitation. — https://www.thelifeyoucansave.org/learn-more/why-donate#collapseFAQs
We are in one of those great historical periods that occur every 200-300 years when people do not understand the world anymore and the past is not sufficient to explain the future.
Classic Drucker: essential wisdom of Peter Drucker from the pages of Harvard Business Review, Boston: Harvard Business Press, 2008
VUCA: Volatile, Uncertain, Complex and Ambiguous
Lots of examples.
The average person in the Western world has to make as many as an estimated 35,000 decisions a day P60
But we struggle to differentiate between small decisions and significant ones. Without respite, the quality of our decisions deteriorates.
A fascinating study about parole boards. 65% chance of parole dropped to zero over a couple of hours until the board took a break at which point it returned to 65%.
Disappointment
The impact of continuous decision making is disappointment: reality of affluence but we perceived the losses more. Disappointment is subtler and more insidious, eating away at joy.
Recognisable in things is 'ok', or being thankful for such and such, but.
1. Despair and a general sense of hopelessness
going to the grave with a song still in them
the better things were, the more I had to lose
2. Escapism
Succumbing to self-centered desires and aspirations. Even to things but inherently wrong, just over-valued, but can become all consuming.
the highlight of my weekend becomes the film I saw Saturday night not the Jesus I saw Sunday night
Where we escape to is a good indication if what we truly worship.
3. Loss of perspective
Like standing on…​?
Chapter 3: wisdom for life
Genuine growth springs from lessons learnt ensuring hardships thrust upon is in life.
The result [of exponential change] is that we are the most over informed and under reflective civilization in Human history
Discontentment
Life has never been better Not we compare to polished presentations of others and try to keep up. Worse, what we believe will make us happy often does not it fades quickly. "The discontentment of restless hearts"
Fear and dread
We are fascinated by negative news, ducked in and become submerged.
Overcoming fear and challenges is basic to growing.
Shame
Regret
The metaphor from Brian Dyson, coca cola CEO, of life as 4 fragile balls named: health, faulty, friendship and activities to nurture the soul and one rubber one named work. The obvious conclusion that the first four require greater care.
One of the saddest experiences is to awaken at old age and discover that one has been using only a small part of the self.
Death and suicide
In Western-style secular society what the person committing suicide often believes is that death will lead to an end of existence.
This is a statement of faith
The true opium of the people is a belief in nothingness after death
polish poet, author and Nobel laureate in an essay titled "the discreet charms of nihilism"
Bringing it all together
REVIEW QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
Discontentment, fear, dread, shame, worry, anxiety loneliness are all common human feelings and emotions How do I handle them in my own life and those of others?
Recognise these have been rare actually → blessed
Badly!
Stress and burnout are common experiences of many people in our fast-paced world. How can I protect myself from its negative effects?
Limiting straining experiences were possible.
Seeking regenerating/nurturing activities
How much have I experienced feelings of depressive thinking or this 'common cold' of psychological problems? What has helped me?
Time in nature
Solitude
Reading
This
What can I begin to do today to ensure that I do not live life with regret?
Good question!
Don’t regret [too much] what I have done but the forward looking oportunity needs attention
Our restless hearts, questioning minds and disordered lives can lead to any one or combination of the painful manifestations discussed in this chapter. Which one raises the most questions for me?
Helpful perspective that it is only the Western post-enlightenment heritage that makes for a belief in the finality of death.
Chapter 5 - Removing our idols
Raheja amplifies Isaiah’s mocking (chapter 44) of making wooden statues and embuing them with godlike status.
An idol is whatever you look at and causes you to say in your heart of hearts, 'If I have that, then I’ll feel my life has meaning; then I’ll know I have value; then I’ll feel significant and secure'.
and continues…​
It’s important to understand that this does not necessarily mean that it is bad.
There is no limit to what our hearts can make into idols. Many centuries ago, Martin Luther described the human heart as an idol factory.
On what he refers to as an epidemic of suicide:
People who commit or attempt to commit suicide are displaying a loss of hope in what they previously put their trust and confidence in. Whatever it was that they believed in, it can no longer fulfil the desires and longings of the human heart.
Lewis’s hypothesis is that unsatisfied human desires have been planted in us as signposts to something beyond this world.
Lewis:
I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find till after death;
This is where the discipline of self-examination becomes so important. Those things we actually trust and have put our hopes in are surrounded by strong emotions. What are those things causing us to feel easily angry or despondent?
Review questions
How aware are you of the idols you have created in your own heart and are looking to for meaning and satisfaction?
the same things that above I listed as helping with the common cold of depression!
How much do you grasp that the longings of your own heart cannot ultimately be fulfilled in this life?
'a bit' [!]
What do you think has become your God in place of the One you should really worship?
kids, new house
What is controlling how you currently live?
debt, fear of debt
tasks I feel obliged by: tidy the garden, decorate the house.
Chapter 6 - Challenging our assumptions
Wisdom is knowing what to do and following through on actually doing it.
Wisdom requires experience but experience is not enough. Experience must be evaluated.
Our greatest fear in life should not be failure but succeeding at things that don’t really matter. — Francis Chan
Only a third of the Biblical characters we have good knowledge of end their lives well. Of the other two third, most go wrong in the second half of life.
Thomas Cranmer expressed it as 'what the heart loves, the will chooses and the mind justifies'.
Questions to find wisdom:
If we are going to be a person we can live with, what kind of person are we going to be? (Being)
How do we relate to others in an appropriate way? To my family, my friends, my work colleagues, those who come into my social orbit and the wider global village of which we are all a part. Where do we find the balance between a sober seriousness and appreciating the fun in life? (Relating)
If we are going to do something meaningful with our life, what kind of work should we do? (Doing)
Finally, when our life comes towards an end, what do we want our legacy to be? (Leaving)
I think we would be hard-pressed to find anyone who would not want to have solid answers to every one of those questions.
Raheja says the goal of Western lives is typically authenticity: self-expression.
Lewis' answer to Gregarin saying he did see evidence of God: That’s like reading Shakespeare looking for the character Shakespeare. The Creator is necessarily outside the creation.
Another quote from Lewis, in similar vein to Screwtape advising his mentee to keep his human distracted, includes the phrase "use plenty of sedation" Raheja comments on the difficulty of swimming against this popular tide of shallowness.
It requires deliberate effort and choice to decide how to think and look at life and the challenges before us.
REVIEW QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
How much have I allowed myself to believe the myths that wisdom is simply common sense, comes with age, or will guarantee a trouble-free life?
What myths about wisdom will I commit myself to exploring?
What have I learned from the life of Solomon?
What lasting success do I think that wisdom will bring me?
Chapter 7 - Defining wisdom with the Divine
Wisdom is not knowing the right answers but has the correct responses and relationships
deeply based in reality,
understand how the world works
familiar with patience and love, listening and grace, adoration and with beauty.
see other people as awesome creatures
to be respected and befriended
especially those from whom they will derive no benefit in return.
Wisdom is knowing a skill that we are able to bring to life in the world we live in.
only two ways of thinking about life. Either God is at the centre of our life or something else. There is no neutral ground. The alternative is to define reality by our relationship to some other thing
Chapter 8 - Four vital questions
Four vital questions that wisdom enables us to answer with confidence:
Being (who we are),
Relating (how we connect with others),
Doing (meaningful work), and **Leaving (our legacy)
Being
Identity but more than that
Multiple identities leave us always thinking home is the other place we are not
Every human based identity is temporary…​ The only secure identity comes from the One who is transcendent and outside of time.
The shortcomings of identity by thinking of oneself as 'good'. We can only agree on extremes of good (Mother Theresa) and bad (Hitler). Mat 5:21-22,27-28 (Jesus' teaching about lust as adultery and hatred as murder) raises the bar again.
Questions to start the day
Rico Tice:
When did God call me to himself? (Before the creation of the world Eph 4)
What does Gid think of me right now? (Delighted, he looks on me and sees Jesus)
What kind of day is it going to be today? (Wonderful, opps to be more like Jesus)
What kind of day is it going to be tomorrow? (Wonderful, one day closer to seeing Jesus face-to-face)
Relating
Although in many cases we cannot avoid basing our relationships on a transaction, it’s vital to recognise that our fellow human beings are also made in the image of God. This is the case regardless of their gender, race, level of intelligence, religious identity or sexual orientation. Learning to love and accept others for who they are and not only for what we can get out of them is a hallmark of wisdom and a vital human skill.
one of the surprising generalities in human relationships, that other people can act as mirrors, reflecting the attitude of others. The key with these people is to initiate the attitude that you want to see returned.
Dunbar’s number (~150): the maximum number of people one can maintain a stable relationship with.
Bruce Waltke, a commentator on Proverbs, wrote, 'The righteous are willing to disadvantage themselves to advantage the community; the wicked are willing to disadvantage the community to advantage themselves.'
Refusing to forgive those who hurt us and holding grudges is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
John Maxwell’s Law of the Inner Circle …​ states that our potential in life is determined by those who are closest to us. …​ "who are the travel companions you are bringing along with you on the journey of life?.
The wise person
The foolish person
The evil person
Tim Keller
'If you believe in a God who smites evildoers, you may think it perfectly justified to do some of the smiting yourself.'
The natural risk of an escalating cycle of violence is only broken by confidence in a God of justice, who will right all wrongs in the end.
true opium of the people is a belief in nothingness after death
Doing
Twentieth century American evangelist Dawson Trotman: ‘Never do anything that someone else can and will do, when there is so much of importance to be done which others cannot or will not do’.
‘For we are God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do’ (Letter to the Ephesians ch 2 v10). The word for handiwork is the same word from which we get the word poem.
Martin Luther King quote that if called to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michaelangelo painted, Beethoven composed or Shakespeare wrote poetry.
L.P.Jacks, philosopher and unitarian minister, says that 'vision of excellence' means there should be evident difference between work and leisure. Yet do not allow excellent work to become an idol.
Leaving
How can we enjoy the journey of our life without regret?
I appreciate the repeated challenge to the 'pervasive belief' that this life is all there is.
REVIEW QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
What kind of person do I want to be?
Where do I find a balance between the serious and fun moments in my life?
What kind of work would add meaning to my life?
What legacy do I want to leave behind?